Canon Just Filed a Patent for a Brand New Cripple Hammer

Canon Just Filed a Patent for a Brand New Cripple Hammer

Details are emerging of a new patent just filed by Canon that could revolutionize one of its most exciting products: the Cripple Hammer. Brace yourselves, because the plans for this updated version look crazy.

Stepping away from its traditional mallet-like construction, it appears that Canon is planning to completely redesign the Hammer from the ground up, choosing to implement a double-ended claw hammer design that could make it trickier to use but will no doubt render the results more effective.

While the traditional head will be useful for continuing to hamstring well-established features, the claw will give users the option to pry them off completely as if they never existed. The double-ended design will build redundancy into the system in the event that one end fails — a useful feature given the need to simultaneously hamper and promote such a broad range of products.

Double ended cripple hammer

With the possible double-ended design of new Cripple Hammer, you may end up inadvertently disabling features you never realized could be disabled.

Given that Canon's recent announcements promise the launch of some groundbreaking technology, a new hammer is probably inevitable. The R5 has taken the industry somewhat by surprise, offering stills at 20 frames per second with its electronic shutter and insane 8K video that uses the full width of the sensor. With such incredible features, an updated hammer makes complete sense, with rumors suggesting that Canon will now be able to implement major new handicaps such as a 2.6x crop on 4K, 1080p video where the zebras are hardcoded into the footage, and with C-Log only available if you don't remove the lens cap.

Speculation has been circulating that Canon has a high-resolution beast in the pipeline, with rumors varying between 90 and 150 megapixels for what could end up being an R5S or an R3. It's thought that thanks to this new Cripple Hammer, the camera can offer such a high resolution because it is shooting solely in bitmap.

For the first time, Canon will be bringing animal eye autofocus to its cameras, though the new Cripple Hammer means that it will only work when shooting the pig-footed bandicoot, the Madagascan pygmy hippopotamus, and the Wondiwoi tree-kangaroo. Canon fans will hope that dogs and cats may become possible following firmware updates.

pig-footed bandicoot

A stuffed pig-footed bandicoot. Used under Creative Commons.

What would you like to see from Canon's new Cripple Hammer? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

Hat tip: Camera Conspiracies.

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23 Comments

Jim White's picture

This is very exciting. I have been waiting for a good reason to change over all my Nikon hand tools.

As a photographer, specializing in nocturnal shooting of pig-footed bandicoots I welcome this step.

David Stephen Kalonick's picture

Really funny stuff. 👏🏼 Can you do a satire piece on the Sony takeover? That would be hilarious.

What a coincidence! Stanley and Estwing just announced a joint venture to make mirrorless full-frame cameras with lifetime guarantees. OSHA approval is still pending. Home Depot and Lowes are vying for exclusive rights to sell them.

dean wilson's picture

I think I will stick to my trust ol' Klein Tools 18" because it has ALWAYS struck RAW, it is professional grade, has great overall balance and never needs firmware updates.

Kawika Lopez's picture

This was a great and fun read. Hats off my friend.

Benoit Pigeon's picture

Old news, they are already working on a Mark II version that will make bending glass easier than ever and requires no heat at all.

thanks I needed a laugh and to be reminded of what day today is...Kasey should have trademarked the name.

I'm a forester and their new hammer appears to have a traditional hickory handle. I hope they sell billions, then I can afford that fast zoom lens I want.

Rohan Gillett's picture

Can you use them with off-camera flash? Anyway, think I'll pair it with my Peak Design Slide too!

Mark Harris's picture

This story was covered by NanoPixel 3 hours ago. I'm going to stop paying my FStoppers subscription if you keep publishing old news.

Thomas H's picture

According to a great video by J.Christina, Canon uses rather a Cripple Sword and secret ninjas. Vikings use Cripple Thor Hammer.

dean wilson's picture

Then there's the Scottish Cripple Sword made by the Clan MacLeod that I prefer because as their company motto proudly proclaims: "In the end, there can be only one."

Thomas H's picture

Right on, MacLeod it is, wielding his sword, voting for Scottish independence :-)

I'll take my RF lenses and dependability any day over bad ergonomics and a company that seems to be disappearing.

Fermin Iturbide's picture

Well....looks like someone dislike Canon just a tad 😂

Andy Day's picture

On the contrary: I think they make some truly amazing products. It's possible to like something and yet see its flaws at the same time.

This may be the first April Fools Day post I've ever found amusing. Well done. Kasey should have trademarked "Cripple Hammer" given its widespread adoption. That alone is funny.

Andrew Broekhuijsen's picture

Someone's salty that the R5 is going to be THE camera to own until other brands catch up. Guess maybe you shouldn't have sold off all your Canon gear to switch to Sony Mirrorless after all!

Andy Day's picture

Lol. There's always a reason to wait until another camera comes out. If we all did that, no-one would ever upgrade because the next gamechanging camera is only ever 2 years away. 😂