You Are Not Your Own Photo Army. Do Not Burn Yourself Out.

So you've been working long hours at your desk or computer, rarely see your friends, when you're not working, you're thinking about work or shoots. Your portfolio and income may be improving (or trying to), but you feel like your personal life is falling apart in the process. Does this sound all too familiar? Well it all hits very close to home for me and it's what put me in the hospital last week.

For those that know me, I am usually referred to as a "machine" due to the amount of ongoing projects I take on at once. I've been a full-time professional for over 10 years now and have been lucky enough to find my career at a very good place (lots of great projects, travel and exposure), but as we all know, there's that constant fear that it will all vanish from my grasp one day. It is that nagging concern that clients will forget about me or my style or work will become irrelevant. Therefore I push myself hard to keep the career momentum moving forward seven days a week with few breaks in between. I'm one of those people that friends and family approach and warn me not to burn the candle at both ends, and I brush it off because, as a producer, I've become fairly numb to exhaustion and have learned to push through most situations.

About two weeks ago while on a project in the midwest, I noticed an occasional sharp pain in my heart and sometimes concurrent shooting pain down my left arm. It startled me at first, but brushed it off thinking I was imagining things. Now let me preface this by saying that I am very healthy. I run, am a regular at the gym, have as healthy a diet as one can have when they travel 100k+ miles a year, I do not abuse drugs and I'm 33, so heart problems normally shouldn't effect someone in my condition. Of course there are always exceptions, but it isn't common with my family genetics.

I was in the midst of four ad campaigns (motion and print) in five states in a roughly two week period. I had production in order, but I was exhausted from perpetual all-nighters and red-eye flights and 3-4 hour nights of sleep when I could get it. Even though I was prepared for my projects, there's always the concern that something could fall-through or go wrong. You have to be ready to pounce into action in a moment's notice. As each day progressed, so did the pain in my heart and arm. At first it felt like I had worked out the left side of my torso too much, but the sharp stabs of electricity were becoming more noticeable. It started to make me nervous, maybe even a bit scared, but I didn't want to let my crew know because I knew we had to just get through this gauntlet of projects and I could rest for a few days. Finally, as I was approaching my final campaign, I hit a wall. I was sitting in my hotel room and the pain in my heart was not going away. Normally it would disappear after 20-30 minutes, but it was perpetual for a few hours at this point. I knew something was really wrong at this point and I had to do something.

Now I am not one to cry wolf when I feel like something is wrong in my body. My father was a true hypochondriac and that is the LAST thing I have ever wanted to be. Although, my mom and step dad are both CRNA's (essentially highly-trained nurses). I decided to make the call to my mom and ask her opinion and described my symptoms. She said it could be stress, but that it was better to go to the emergency room to get checked out just in case. I sat there for a moment and humored sleeping it off and seeing how I felt in the morning, but I promised her I would go and at least get tested.

Thankfully the local hospital was only three blocks away (how lucky is that!) and my business partner insisted on driving me. Despite the pains and fear that I had somehow broken my heart functions, I felt a bit silly because I feared deep down I was making a bigger deal than was needed. So here I was, exhausted and in a hospital gown getting my heart x-ray'd, my EKG taken, and blood enzymes tested. While awaiting the results, I finally passed out in the hospital bed with exhaustion. I awoke to the doctor standing over me with a clipboard in hand. She proceeded to tell me in a calm voice... that I was completely healthy. That my EKG results were similar to that of a runner in good health and my blood came back normal. At this point I felt completely embarrassed for wasting the time of everyone at the hospital and wanted to get out of there with my tail between my legs. Yet, the doctor continued to speak. She said that stress and extreme exhaustion (multiple all-nighters) releases hormones which cause pain in the body and put strain on the cardiovascular system (in more words). She concluded by telling me that this should be a wake up call and my body was telling me something very crucial about how I must choose to live from this moment forward.

I was a bit embarrassed, but I was relieved that my tests came back normal. The pains in my heart were real, but thankfully not caused by major health issues... yet. It was a wake up call from my body telling me that I cannot continue to be a "machine" and hope to live past 50 years old.

Now I'm not going to start turning away jobs or anything here folks :). I do love the projects I get to shoot. I believe this is more about what I choose to do in my free time in between those projects. Up until now, I really never created free time for myself. The doctor even asked what I did for fun, and other than hanging out with my dog, quality time with my woman, or working on my vintage Mustang, I didn't really have any interests... not any that really got me out of the house. I realized I had lost touch with many of my friends, and barely knew my neighborhood because I rarely ventured outside because when I'm home from projects, I insist on working as much as possible at my desk, even when I don't have to.

So why have I told you this long story? Because I know this probably hits close to home for many of you in one way or another and I don't want us all to run ourselves down until we work ourselves into bad health or unhappy lives. Even if you are busting your butt to make your career succeed, or just trying to maintain status quo, you have to take time to rest. You must socialize. You must walk away from your desk from time to time. Sometimes I feel like I have so much work to do at my computer, even when the truth is I do have time for an afternoon off. It's a compulsion driven by fear of failure, but that compulsion is not terribly healthy as well.

I am doing a lot of soul searching about how I am going to minimize stress in my life while still accepting/fighting for all of the projects I want to work on. This is all fresh in my mind and I am not going to preach like I have all the answers on this subject, BUT I do know that this work stress does physically and mentally hurt you. That we all need outlets and we all need time to clear our minds and relax our bodies, whatever that means to you. For me, I am going to do some meditation and yoga, even though my free time is limited, and I am making an effort to see my friends and family more often.

Do you have a similar experience or input? Would love to hear your story below to share with everyone!