So you've been working long hours at your desk or computer, rarely see your friends, when you're not working, you're thinking about work or shoots. Your portfolio and income may be improving (or trying to), but you feel like your personal life is falling apart in the process. Does this sound all too familiar? Well it all hits very close to home for me and it's what put me in the hospital last week.
For those that know me, I am usually referred to as a "machine" due to the amount of ongoing projects I take on at once. I've been a full-time professional for over 10 years now and have been lucky enough to find my career at a very good place (lots of great projects, travel and exposure), but as we all know, there's that constant fear that it will all vanish from my grasp one day. It is that nagging concern that clients will forget about me or my style or work will become irrelevant. Therefore I push myself hard to keep the career momentum moving forward seven days a week with few breaks in between. I'm one of those people that friends and family approach and warn me not to burn the candle at both ends, and I brush it off because, as a producer, I've become fairly numb to exhaustion and have learned to push through most situations.
About two weeks ago while on a project in the midwest, I noticed an occasional sharp pain in my heart and sometimes concurrent shooting pain down my left arm. It startled me at first, but brushed it off thinking I was imagining things. Now let me preface this by saying that I am very healthy. I run, am a regular at the gym, have as healthy a diet as one can have when they travel 100k+ miles a year, I do not abuse drugs and I'm 33, so heart problems normally shouldn't effect someone in my condition. Of course there are always exceptions, but it isn't common with my family genetics.
I was in the midst of four ad campaigns (motion and print) in five states in a roughly two week period. I had production in order, but I was exhausted from perpetual all-nighters and red-eye flights and 3-4 hour nights of sleep when I could get it. Even though I was prepared for my projects, there's always the concern that something could fall-through or go wrong. You have to be ready to pounce into action in a moment's notice. As each day progressed, so did the pain in my heart and arm. At first it felt like I had worked out the left side of my torso too much, but the sharp stabs of electricity were becoming more noticeable. It started to make me nervous, maybe even a bit scared, but I didn't want to let my crew know because I knew we had to just get through this gauntlet of projects and I could rest for a few days. Finally, as I was approaching my final campaign, I hit a wall. I was sitting in my hotel room and the pain in my heart was not going away. Normally it would disappear after 20-30 minutes, but it was perpetual for a few hours at this point. I knew something was really wrong at this point and I had to do something.
Now I am not one to cry wolf when I feel like something is wrong in my body. My father was a true hypochondriac and that is the LAST thing I have ever wanted to be. Although, my mom and step dad are both CRNA's (essentially highly-trained nurses). I decided to make the call to my mom and ask her opinion and described my symptoms. She said it could be stress, but that it was better to go to the emergency room to get checked out just in case. I sat there for a moment and humored sleeping it off and seeing how I felt in the morning, but I promised her I would go and at least get tested.
Thankfully the local hospital was only three blocks away (how lucky is that!) and my business partner insisted on driving me. Despite the pains and fear that I had somehow broken my heart functions, I felt a bit silly because I feared deep down I was making a bigger deal than was needed. So here I was, exhausted and in a hospital gown getting my heart x-ray'd, my EKG taken, and blood enzymes tested. While awaiting the results, I finally passed out in the hospital bed with exhaustion. I awoke to the doctor standing over me with a clipboard in hand. She proceeded to tell me in a calm voice... that I was completely healthy. That my EKG results were similar to that of a runner in good health and my blood came back normal. At this point I felt completely embarrassed for wasting the time of everyone at the hospital and wanted to get out of there with my tail between my legs. Yet, the doctor continued to speak. She said that stress and extreme exhaustion (multiple all-nighters) releases hormones which cause pain in the body and put strain on the cardiovascular system (in more words). She concluded by telling me that this should be a wake up call and my body was telling me something very crucial about how I must choose to live from this moment forward.
I was a bit embarrassed, but I was relieved that my tests came back normal. The pains in my heart were real, but thankfully not caused by major health issues... yet. It was a wake up call from my body telling me that I cannot continue to be a "machine" and hope to live past 50 years old.
Now I'm not going to start turning away jobs or anything here folks :). I do love the projects I get to shoot. I believe this is more about what I choose to do in my free time in between those projects. Up until now, I really never created free time for myself. The doctor even asked what I did for fun, and other than hanging out with my dog, quality time with my woman, or working on my vintage Mustang, I didn't really have any interests... not any that really got me out of the house. I realized I had lost touch with many of my friends, and barely knew my neighborhood because I rarely ventured outside because when I'm home from projects, I insist on working as much as possible at my desk, even when I don't have to.
So why have I told you this long story? Because I know this probably hits close to home for many of you in one way or another and I don't want us all to run ourselves down until we work ourselves into bad health or unhappy lives. Even if you are busting your butt to make your career succeed, or just trying to maintain status quo, you have to take time to rest. You must socialize. You must walk away from your desk from time to time. Sometimes I feel like I have so much work to do at my computer, even when the truth is I do have time for an afternoon off. It's a compulsion driven by fear of failure, but that compulsion is not terribly healthy as well.
I am doing a lot of soul searching about how I am going to minimize stress in my life while still accepting/fighting for all of the projects I want to work on. This is all fresh in my mind and I am not going to preach like I have all the answers on this subject, BUT I do know that this work stress does physically and mentally hurt you. That we all need outlets and we all need time to clear our minds and relax our bodies, whatever that means to you. For me, I am going to do some meditation and yoga, even though my free time is limited, and I am making an effort to see my friends and family more often.
Do you have a similar experience or input? Would love to hear your story below to share with everyone!
As I read this after 15 hours in front of the computer, you've motivated me to go to sleep. Glad you're OK Douglas! Thanks for giving us all an important reminder.
Damn Doug, glad you're ok. That hospital gown sure did look nice on you though (are those ninja stars on it???!). =) For real though, always schedule some relaxation time. "it's" not going anywhere, because you won't let it go anywhere. Keep up the great work (within your limit) man!
Dang Douglas! I saw the cover photo... read the headline... then read the author!! Glad you're alright. This shows even the most badass machines need some some maintenance and TLC every now and then :D
I am so happy you wrote about this. This hits so close to home!
Hi Douglas i´m a 29 years old photographer and retoucher from Portugal and in January i´have been to the Hospital exactly like you and i now what you have gone through. Since then i have schedule some vacation time to take in august right in the middle of my biggest work season so i don't get to January again in the same condition as last year, and when possible i just go to the beach now and have some sun, now that the whether is getting better i will try to finish my work early in the afternoon just so i can it a pool near by for 2 hours at the end of the day for relax. Work is very important to me and i love what i do so much that its not hard to drive my self to exaustion with out noticing but my love for my wife and loved ones is even bigger and i will not chose work over family any more. Some times i see my friends going places and having this great weekends and i just wish i had a 9to5 job, but when we love what we do, we easily forget about that and just start day dreaming how we are going to shoot that job tomorrow :) go easy on yourself and have fun :)
It's nice to see that other photographers warn about these things since these are very important things! I'm a part time photographer and as a full time work, I work as a pharmacist. I often see people like you Douglas. They don't want to have a break, "They don't have time for that".
It's not only the heart pain and left shoulder pain (which is also a symptoms of the stroke!) which are common with exhaustion and stress, often people react with their stomach: Stomach pain, constipation, diarrhea, vomiting. I can honestly say that I'm one of those, I react to different situations with my stomach which is very clearly visible when I'm in a situation where I don't feel comfortable at all! (like, being on a dark street with expensive gear). People should play safe with their lives than think "it's nothing" since even the small pain or like that can grow to a bigger disease or can be first sign of it.
It's a shame to those countries where public healthcare isn't free.
I'm glad to hear that you're taking better care of yourself Douglas, and that it wasn't more serious!
I used to be this way up until about 4 months ago - I was working 80 hour weeks, and hardly getting sleep. Working as a photographer in a full time position, and full time with my own freelance work, I too was burning the candle at both ends. It had consumed my entire being. I had very little social life, and what social life I did have, was overshadowed by work. Even when I wasn't working, it was all I had to talk about - because it was all I did! Yes I was making money, but I hardly saw my friends, and my family began to accept that I just couldn't attend gatherings or visit because I was working. Sigh. I was that person at the party that only had work to talk about. And when I was introduced to people - friends begun to note how much I worked, like it was a badge of pride.
I was lucky to have a wake up call that was not so life threatening - all it took was a random slow week in my freelance work to realize how much I actually enjoyed my personal time, hanging out with friends, catching up with my mom and sister, and how happy and fulfilled I could be if I actually just made time for all of these things.
I sometimes think it's actually laziness that got me into that rut. It's really easy to hide behind the "I'm working, I can't" mantra. And the money, the money also makes it enticing. It was easier for me to just tell people I was busy than actually make the effort to break my routine, and make an effort to just relax. That sounds crazy right?! But that's exactly what it was for me. It was also the fear of letting go of control. As photographers and artists, we're really attached to our work. It's our reputation, it's our heart, and it's hard to trust someone else with that.
Now I've really embraced outsourcing to other professionals when necessary, and letting go of control over certain aspects of my business, a little bit at a time. You can't do everything, and it was pure hubris to think that I could. Now I sleep much better.
I'm so glad you wrote this! :)
This is my life as an accountant and part of why I'm making a career change. I'm a single mom and having a son means that I absolutely have to do fun things from time to time, but I have always felt like my mind is never fully engaged in what I'm doing even at theme parks. My "friends" are other karate moms. When I was 31, my job was so stressful that I lost weight, Tums became a staple in my diet, and I didn't sleep well which turned into a cycle of not sleeping then dosing up on coffee. We won't even talk about the gray hair that started popping up in that time. Not to mention the repetitive motion injuries in my hands.
Then when I ventured out on my own, the stress was somewhat less than having a boss breathe down my neck, but since I'm my only source of income that brought on a whole new level of stress. I've spent years running my own business or helping others build their businesses and this is very typical of business owners to be stressed out to the max.
Now that I'm going back to photography (which is what I went to school for in the first place) as an income source, I have no plans to leave my well-paying, low stress job for several years. I have equipment to buy, a portfolio to build, clients to gain, etc. Going back to that high stress is not something I want to do any time soon, for myself and my son.
Great post Doug! Self employment has its freedoms and its perks, but also comes along with its stresses and fears. We all need a reality check once in a while, and our bodies will sometimes give us one. I had a very similar experience around the time when I was about 29 years old. I didn't think I had that much stress in my life, but apparently it had built up to the point of a full blown panic-attack. 140 bpm for an hour straight (as if you were sprinting) is crazy scary. Thankfully I survived, and the EKG was totally healthy. One pill later, and I was released from the ER in a half hour. I never had to take another anxiety med ever since. I learned to get on a daily multivitamin, to eat better, and to make sure I always got plenty of sleep... so far so good. No more sudden panic attacks. If they ever happen again, I know not to freak out (it only makes it worse). It's very scary though, when you don't feel in control of your own body, and you have no clue why the attack came on.
Worry and anxiety get you nowhere. It's healthy to have a little bit of fear, but too much will stifle you. Learn to have confidence in yourself and your abilities, and you will be fine... everything always works out with your good efforts... even if it doesn't work out the way you had intended. It's been 10 years and you're still kicking, dude. For me I've been a full time stock photographer for almost the same, and I'm finally realizing that there's no need to fear about the future. Money comes and goes. Markets change, ebb and flow. Worst case scenario, you use what you know and what you've learned to reconfigure your business, if need be; or market a different one of your developed skills into a separate niche. We all have to be chameleons, ready to change at a moment's notice.
Earning for life, please don't forget to live...
Doug, your first paragraph is my life at the moment. Exactly. Haven't read the rest yet but that's enough for me to stop (after working for 16 hours straight) and go to bed.
Also read this after a marathon editing since before breakfast. Made me call it a day. Glad you´re okay..
I think it is important that you bring this topic up because I think it is one that is tough though. It is a fatal flaw of the capitalist system. (Which is why most employment based industries are regulated by the government). The problem we face, as photographers, is that generally clients don't care if you have enough rest or downtime so long as you can deliver a product of high quality under high stress. Thus a problem arises where we all have to realize that by taking a break we are choosing to cede an advantage to someone else who doesn't take that break.
wow... I have just send an e-mail to my friend complaining about my life spinning out of control... Me and my husband are full time photographers, spending over 14 hours a day at work, working our butts off for our clients and not having time to live our lives... Drinking too much coffee, not sleeping enough and trying to make everything perfect and everyone happy... Clients do not care about our lives they want things done fast and the best quality there is... I was already diagnosed with STRESS once, and I am starting having the same symptoms again... I already had my wakeup call and that didn't change anything...
I guess there is no cure for workaholism...
Wow, this hits pretty close to home for me. I am working well over 100 hours a week pursuing opportunities and working on projects that I deem important. I am so glad to hear a good end to this story, Douglas, and I do believe that your story here can be considered a wake-up call for all of us who press a little too hard on the gas pedal of life. Best of luck.
I had a very similar experience. It's important - no, very important - no, essential to keep balance.